Dear Riley,
6 months ago today, your Aunt Katherine (my youngest sister and your namesake) died. 6 months. It seems like just yesterday I was hopping on a plane, very pregnant with you, flying across the world for her funeral. That trip was impossibly sad, and heartbreaking, and confusing, but it was also bittersweet. And the only reason it could even be remotely sweet was because of you, baby bug. See, amongst all the sadness, you brought a little bit of joy. You made your Aunt Jennie soo happy when she got to feel you kick against my belly. You made your grandma and grandpa smile when they got to see your precious face on the 3D ultrasound. You were able to keep me calm in a time of such great sadness. You allowed people to rejoice in a new life amidst the loss of such an important one to all of us. You did all of that before you were even born.
At the time, I felt the pain of the loss of my baby sister, but I couldn't fully understand what it would be like to lose a child. I wasn't yet a mother. And while I still can't fully understand the feeling, and hopefully will never have to, I now know what it's like to love a child so much your heart feels like it could burst. How just the thought of anything ever happening to you makes my heart ache. Even to hear you cry makes me want to scoop you up and hold you close and tell you how much I love you. Because I love you so, so much. And I will tell you that every single day, and even then, it wouldn't be enough.
We decided to name you (middle name) after your Aunt Katherine. It was an easy decision for us. And I can't wait until you are older and I can tell you all about her. How amazing a person she was, how she was my best friend, how we teased each other (as sisters do), played with each other, loved each other. I'll show you all her favorite Disney movies (and you can learn to recite the lines, as she did). And I hope to someday be able to give you a little sister so you can feel that same kind of love and friendship that I had with Katherine. It's magic. It really is.
It's funny, sometimes I look at you with your huge blue eyes and bald little head, and I can't help but think about Katherine. She was the baldest little babe with huge baby blues, just like you. I wouldn't say you look like her per se, but there are definitely some similarities. Did you know we used to call her Doodle Bug? And I used to call her buggy? And before you were born, she called you little Ducky. She was excited to meet you, and I wish I could have seen her reaction when she got to hold you for the first time. But I know she's watching over you, keeping an eye on you from above. And probably laughing hysterically every time you poop on me.
I miss my baby sister more than words can express. But don't you worry, little one. When you are a little older, you will get to hear all about her. Then you will understand why you got to be named after such a special person.
I love love love love love you. In case I don't say it enough.
p.s. your aunt Ducky had big ole baby cheeks... I see you following in her footsteps verrrrry soon... (below: Ducky, I think a couple months old?) Hmm that hair (or lack thereof) and those blue eyes look familiar..
6 months ago today, your Aunt Katherine (my youngest sister and your namesake) died. 6 months. It seems like just yesterday I was hopping on a plane, very pregnant with you, flying across the world for her funeral. That trip was impossibly sad, and heartbreaking, and confusing, but it was also bittersweet. And the only reason it could even be remotely sweet was because of you, baby bug. See, amongst all the sadness, you brought a little bit of joy. You made your Aunt Jennie soo happy when she got to feel you kick against my belly. You made your grandma and grandpa smile when they got to see your precious face on the 3D ultrasound. You were able to keep me calm in a time of such great sadness. You allowed people to rejoice in a new life amidst the loss of such an important one to all of us. You did all of that before you were even born.
At the time, I felt the pain of the loss of my baby sister, but I couldn't fully understand what it would be like to lose a child. I wasn't yet a mother. And while I still can't fully understand the feeling, and hopefully will never have to, I now know what it's like to love a child so much your heart feels like it could burst. How just the thought of anything ever happening to you makes my heart ache. Even to hear you cry makes me want to scoop you up and hold you close and tell you how much I love you. Because I love you so, so much. And I will tell you that every single day, and even then, it wouldn't be enough.
We decided to name you (middle name) after your Aunt Katherine. It was an easy decision for us. And I can't wait until you are older and I can tell you all about her. How amazing a person she was, how she was my best friend, how we teased each other (as sisters do), played with each other, loved each other. I'll show you all her favorite Disney movies (and you can learn to recite the lines, as she did). And I hope to someday be able to give you a little sister so you can feel that same kind of love and friendship that I had with Katherine. It's magic. It really is.
It's funny, sometimes I look at you with your huge blue eyes and bald little head, and I can't help but think about Katherine. She was the baldest little babe with huge baby blues, just like you. I wouldn't say you look like her per se, but there are definitely some similarities. Did you know we used to call her Doodle Bug? And I used to call her buggy? And before you were born, she called you little Ducky. She was excited to meet you, and I wish I could have seen her reaction when she got to hold you for the first time. But I know she's watching over you, keeping an eye on you from above. And probably laughing hysterically every time you poop on me.
I miss my baby sister more than words can express. But don't you worry, little one. When you are a little older, you will get to hear all about her. Then you will understand why you got to be named after such a special person.
I love love love love love you. In case I don't say it enough.
p.s. your aunt Ducky had big ole baby cheeks... I see you following in her footsteps verrrrry soon... (below: Ducky, I think a couple months old?) Hmm that hair (or lack thereof) and those blue eyes look familiar..
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