Since I've been back in New Zealand (almost a week now), I've been struggling a little bit. Katherine's death was obviously hard on me, but in a different way than I ever could have anticipated. I felt weird, less emotional, less affected than I thought I would. It felt wrong. I know part of this was the fact that I hadn't seen her in 9 months. Sure we spoke often via skype or facebook, but I had not physically seen her in over 9 months. And because I was not with her physically or even talking to her on the phone on a daily basis, all I had was this news of her death to try and deal with, without really being able to experience it firsthand. So then when I came back to the US, I was forced to face the reality of it all, but it still didn't affect me the way I thought it should. Again, I blame it on the fact that we had been apart for so long leading up to this.
Well, now I'm back in New Zealand. And I literally cannot. stop. thinking. about her. The other day was probably the saddest and most worked up I have been so far. I was trying to put together this video that I had wanted to make for her funeral (except no videos were allowed), but I wanted to put all these pictures together in one place so that I could easily look at them any time I wanted. And I was home, alone, and most of the pictures made me laugh, or smile, or remember lots of funny things and fun times. But then, I came to some pictures from Christmas a few years ago. Now there was nothing special about that Christmas really, it was just like any other year. But it reminded me of all the holidays, and the times when me and all my sisters came home from our different parts of the country (or world) and got to hang out with each other and be silly and laugh and have fun. And all of a sudden, it really hit me, and I just could not stop crying. Mark happened to be away at soccer practice at that very time, and was a little confused when he walked in the door to find me a blubbering mess. But he just held me, and I cried. It was bound to happen sometime, I just didn't know when, or what would trigger it. And since then I've been ok, and able to think about Ducky in a happy, remember-the-good-times kind of way, but the thing is, I am thinking about her ALL the time. Last night, I had 7 dreams about her (and you may think that's weird, but seeing how I wake up multiple times to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I get to have multiple separate dreams. Fun.)
Anyway, the reason for this post... Exactly 2 years ago today, Mark's little sister Monique passed away suddenly. Hence the reason for the title of this post. She was just a few weeks shy of 18 years old when she had a sudden heart attack while at school. Mark was over in the US when it happened, and got a phone call from his dad late at night to let him know what happened. Obviously he jumped on a plane and headed straight home to be with his family in NZ. Almost 2 years later, pretty much the same thing happens to my baby sister (only a pulmonary embolism, not heart attack). I mean, this kind of thing is not normal, even on a individual event basis. So for it to happen to his little sister, AND my little sister... wow. The thing is, I could say how unfair it is (which it is, let's be honest), but that isn't going to help any. My sister's death was obviously hard for me and my family, but it was pretty tough for Mark and his family as well, bringing back memories of 2 years ago today, and knowing exactly the pain that my family was going through. But, I must say, my husband has been a rock star in all of this, even though I know for a fact it's been really hard on him as well. And his mom did an amazing job of supporting my mom while she was here, especially since I was sort of no help at all. So today, this post is remembering both of our wonderful little sisters, who left the world way too soon. So, today we remember Monique...
Well, now I'm back in New Zealand. And I literally cannot. stop. thinking. about her. The other day was probably the saddest and most worked up I have been so far. I was trying to put together this video that I had wanted to make for her funeral (except no videos were allowed), but I wanted to put all these pictures together in one place so that I could easily look at them any time I wanted. And I was home, alone, and most of the pictures made me laugh, or smile, or remember lots of funny things and fun times. But then, I came to some pictures from Christmas a few years ago. Now there was nothing special about that Christmas really, it was just like any other year. But it reminded me of all the holidays, and the times when me and all my sisters came home from our different parts of the country (or world) and got to hang out with each other and be silly and laugh and have fun. And all of a sudden, it really hit me, and I just could not stop crying. Mark happened to be away at soccer practice at that very time, and was a little confused when he walked in the door to find me a blubbering mess. But he just held me, and I cried. It was bound to happen sometime, I just didn't know when, or what would trigger it. And since then I've been ok, and able to think about Ducky in a happy, remember-the-good-times kind of way, but the thing is, I am thinking about her ALL the time. Last night, I had 7 dreams about her (and you may think that's weird, but seeing how I wake up multiple times to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I get to have multiple separate dreams. Fun.)
Anyway, the reason for this post... Exactly 2 years ago today, Mark's little sister Monique passed away suddenly. Hence the reason for the title of this post. She was just a few weeks shy of 18 years old when she had a sudden heart attack while at school. Mark was over in the US when it happened, and got a phone call from his dad late at night to let him know what happened. Obviously he jumped on a plane and headed straight home to be with his family in NZ. Almost 2 years later, pretty much the same thing happens to my baby sister (only a pulmonary embolism, not heart attack). I mean, this kind of thing is not normal, even on a individual event basis. So for it to happen to his little sister, AND my little sister... wow. The thing is, I could say how unfair it is (which it is, let's be honest), but that isn't going to help any. My sister's death was obviously hard for me and my family, but it was pretty tough for Mark and his family as well, bringing back memories of 2 years ago today, and knowing exactly the pain that my family was going through. But, I must say, my husband has been a rock star in all of this, even though I know for a fact it's been really hard on him as well. And his mom did an amazing job of supporting my mom while she was here, especially since I was sort of no help at all. So today, this post is remembering both of our wonderful little sisters, who left the world way too soon. So, today we remember Monique...
And to Ducky... not the best quality, but it is what it is. (And this is the song that was sung at her funeral).
I miss my little Ducky.
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